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     Back in the same place, no T*.  Can't afford the doctor and tests of over $300, each visit, plus what I owe from before.  But my head is better, I am a man, and though the fat placement is changing, my voice , my facial hair and most importantly my perception of myself hasn't changed.  I can't be anything now but a guy, and even though I have more fat in places I don't like, it hasn't changed how the guys at work percieve me or like me so Onward....
     I hate February.  Cold, rain, just all around gloom.  Still off T*, only noticeable diffs are body fat, and facial hair.  I still have to shave, just every three days.  Plus libido is next to nil.  I hardly think about sex or need relief, I think I miss that.
     More concerned about spring coming than lack of T*.  Life goes on, and being a man is more than T*.  The guys at work all treat me the same, and have no clue.  They perceive no difference, why should I?  I do miss shaving and having coarser hair.  Even the hair on my head has softened.  My beard and mustache hairs are softer, but they are still there.  Where the heck is warm weather.  I am so tired of riding a bus in the rain and freezing cold.  I want to be warm and dry!!!!!!!
     Spring has sprung and it feels good.  Only blot on the month is return of monthly curse.  Very light and no perceivable mood swings, just annoyance.  It seems so surreal, like it is a dream, I can't connect what my body does sometimes with who I am.  Very Weird.  Still it doesn't matter, just feels good to be me, and be a man!!!  Starting school for HR Management so I can get a job easier.  It's online and self paced, so that will make it easy to study and get thru.  Plus the fees are such that I can swing it.  Yippee!!! 
     Talked to a person in my family who could help, but though I didn't ask directly (that wouldn't work, plus causes tension) he was aware of how rough things are for me.  His advice, get it thru Canadian pharmacy online, since I don't need a scrip for that.  Actually that sounded good, so I was online as quick as possible checking it out.  Well, you can get almost every kind of drug from Canadian Pharmacies online, with no scrip, except for testosterone.  The government regulates it since it abused by the muscle and athletic communities.  Freak man, you can get mind altering, pain-killing, lethal drugs with no problem, but not a natural hormone.  Jeez, it is killing me, I thought I had the solution.  I saw some allegedly available in Mexican pharmacies, but I have heard that you can end up with inferior or dangerous product from some, so I decided not to go that route.  The places that kinda guarantee product want money for a list of Mex. pharmacies, but the whole thing feels slimy, so until I know more, not going that way.  I did find a place to get three ampoules 1 ml of 100 mg strength which I may have to get, but it is expensive at $136.  If I put that money away for awhile, I could get the doc and a scrip for 6 months for $120 vs. 3 weeks for $136.  Not sure what I will do.
     Birthday month, I had one shot left I never took, so I took it for my b-day.  I had been taking DHEA to help hold on to male features, but they gave me headaches and I quit, so anyhow, I took my last shot and enjoyed it.  It's funny, but within days, my body was reshaping, and I think my voice actually dropped a notch more.  And I am already a bass.  Anyhow, felt good.  My mom wants to help, and is going to give me the cash to get some of the three amp stuff just cause she understands how much it means to me.  What a gal.  starting to look for jobs in my field again, I am tired of being so broke and not having a car, and not being able to afford one!
     Okay, really gotta find a new job,  my regular field is pretty closed, not much in the way of jobs, and  the competition is fierce for those few, but I have to start trying again.  This job has turned sour, I can't get a raise, and I have to walk or beg rides for part of the way to work.  I have just stayed cause I am lazy and the work is easy and the guys are fun.  Time to make a change.  Also found out I will have to move in a few months.  My apartment is in a big house with other apartments and rooms.  The owner is selling the houses, so we will have to move.  Probably be the best.  New place, new job, new attitude. And we're only one week into the month!
    Had to move 3 weeks earlier than expected.  Am in a one room hotel suites thing.  But I actually like it.  My best friend is moving back here, so we will probably get and apartment.
    My body sucks, chest is filling out and harder to bind without bulges.  Sucks, sucks, sucks....  At least I can grow facial hair still.
    Using the $450 a month I have saved in rent each month I am paying off bills and hoping to get ahead and get back on T*.  I hate my body!!!!
    My buddy doesn't look like he is gonna move, so I think I will stay where I am awhile.  It's not bad, I have everything I need and am pretty comfortable here.  Just dying to get on T* again, but had another setback.  Lost my security job due to miscommunication, so have to use available savings and cash to pay advance rent.  Damn, I gotta get on T*. 
    Christmas was a family affair and more comfortable than the last few.  There were a lot less slips in gender, and none with my name.  I feel more comfortable around them, because even though they have been so supportive, they are the only ones in my life that see the other person.  That's who I am to them, even though they are more used to me now.  I am just the girl they knew with a mustache and chin hair.  This time though was a little easier.  I am a man and have always felt so and now have lived so for years, so I think less about who I was perceived to b and am comfortable as me.

Well the New Year approaches and I hope for a new job I like, and as always to get back on T*.  I have stopped shaving, and facial hair is still growing, just slowly, and softer.  I think with the body being so awful I feel better with a beard.  It is soft and patchy, but with time it may be better.  At least I hope so.

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