Lifesblood
My testosterone experience    1999 the start

1999

Goto --- Apr - May - Jun - Jul - Aug - Sep - Oct - Nov - Dec

Tuesday, April 20^th
Hadn't heard from the doc or the nurse, so I called back. After much phone tag, I talked to the nurse again, and miracle of all miracles, they are gonna take me. I am about to pop. Downside...I have to wait five weeks for my first appt. How am I gonna live...LOL. Well, my mom said I waited 44 years, I can wait a coupla weeks... yeah, easy for her to say.

Monday May 24^th
Well it has been 4 weeks and 6 days, and this is the week I begin to have the blood flow thru my veins that should have been there at birth. I will have the same element in my blood that my father does and my brother and all the other guys I grew up wanting to be like. It may not be that big a thing to some, and it's not just the anticipation of physical changes that has me excited. It is inexplicable how the thought of testosterone in my blood makes me feel. I wonder if I can last 68 more hours....

Thursday May 27^th
9:05 - I couldn't sleep last night, up till after 4am, just lying in bed thinking and willing the hours to go by. Sometimes I feel so stupid for being so excited, but then, why shouldn't I be. This is a great big step. It's funny how there are no doubts, no second thoughts, nothing except joy and anticipation. 5 more hours
1:20 - I am on my way out the door. I am in my favorite shirt, jeans and shoes. I am confident and happy. I wonder when I will actually get my first shot... today, next week, when, when ,when. I guess if I leave now I'll find out very soon
2:00 - I am there, I get paperwork filled out and then sit. I read as I wait. At first I am very calm, 15 minutes later, I begin to look up with beating heart every time someone comes in the room to call out another patient. I have no idea which is my nurse, will I like the doc, I am not so cool now.
2:22 - I hear my name, I had just started to relax again, but strangely my heart isn't pounding so hard, but my grin would light up New York. The nurse is great. Very warm and very considerate of my feelings as she asks some Q's. She yaks a bit and then she's off to find the doc.
2:36 - yes I keep looking at my watch, every detail is so vivid right now. I meet the doc. She is great. Has lots of Q's for me, I have some for her, I am ready and have been for 2 years, so lets get on with it doc...LOL. She says I gotta have an EKG and pap smear first, so we dispense with that, and next thing I know she knocks on the door, hands the nurse a vial, and I almost explode. I had not even asked when I would get my first shot, but here it is!!!!!!! The nurse asks if I will be self-injecting someday, and I say yes. She explains sterilization technique and its importance, then shows me how to use a larger needle to draw it out (going thru the oil and thickness of it thing) and how to switch needles to the one that I will use to inject. I roll over, and
3:47 - testosterone enters my bloodstream!!!!! Somehow I am more a man. I know that it's silly , and its just my perception, but my perception is I am more a man with the stuff of men flowing in my veins. I try not to float out the window...LOL, I get dressed and visit with the doc. We talk a bit more, and she makes sure I understand about coming in for my next few shots, getting hold of her if I have any problems, etc. and then I'm off.
To the outside world, nothing has changed. I look the same as I did when I left the house, none of the guys I share a house with know, they all say hey the same way, the cat rubs against my hand. Nothings changed. I don't feel taller, or better, or much different than when I left today. But something is different inside. I am giddy, but calmer, too. I have waited for this day. I feel a sense of accomplishment. I feel one step closer to me. Hallelujah I really did it. 435 days ago I started living as a man, my next milestone was hormone therapy (HRT), now I am just content to have hit it. Now I look forward to the changes. Soon I will begin to see the man I have always seen in my head, not the one who stared out of the mirror, and couldn't have possibly been me. Wow, I am overwhelmed....

T* has been in my blood for You will need a Java capable browser to view this applet! days now...yippee!!!

June 3^rd
T* in my blood for 1 whole week today. No big changes, but two small one. I shave about every 3 days, just to keep the peachfuzz off and for the enjoyment of it. I shaved yesterday, so usually I am still smooth as a babies bottom. Not so today. Below my sideburns, I could feel the fuzz. It always takes 3 to 4 days to feel it. I have feelable fuzz that has appeared in less than 24 hours. Holy sh*t. It is a real change. I am very happy to see this precursor of possible things to come. The only other noticeable change is in my privates. Nothing visible, just a sensation. I usually don't notice that I have any lower anatomy, but I have had a few intense pulses of sensation just out of the blue. Very strange, but wow.... Also I have noticed an increased libido, but I am not sure if that is due to the T*, or to the fact that I am corresponding with a woman who happens to rev me up. But coupled with these zaps of feeling, I am somewhat more turned on all the time now. Not a wholly unwelcome sensation, but being single, it is more than a bit distracting, not to mention frustrating.

June 6^th
My Birthday... in 1997 I said that by my b-day in 1998 I would have my name change and be living as a man, I was. By 1999 I would be on hormones, I am.

June 7^th
Woke up today extremely turned on. It lasted all day. I mean intense. Again, I am not sure how much is due to thinking of and now finally talking to this wonderful lady. She tends to be the object of my thoughts a good deal, but I have a feeling this doesn't have to do entirely with her. This has had a major affect on my thought processes... LOL. I can think of not much else for very long. I remember hearing some guys talk about being so horny their grandmas started to look good. Hmmm, if this is just the beginning, whew, I might just understand ... LOL

June 10^th
Okay, this is a pretty great day. Three great things happened, I got the job I wanted, I got my birthday present from the woman I am corresponding with, and I got my second shot of T*. Not only was it my second shot, but I gave it to myself. I knew with this new job and the travel time, I would not get to the docs for a shot unless I took time off from work, so it seemed to me I had better learn to self-inject. Now needles and shots don't bother me at all. Sticking myself tho, that required some thought. I checked with the pharmacy before going upstairs and they had one bottle of Depo-T, 200mg/10ml. $40 buck to boot. I raced upstairs, and finally I was called back. I told the nurse about the time constraints, and she said the doc had okayed a script for me if I could and wanted to do it myself. Well I decided it was a good thing to try, and so I got everything prepped, took the syringe in hand, pinched my thigh and poof let fly. I had to look twice. I thought I had not gone in. I felt nothing, not a prick, not a sting, not a twitch. It was in and it was nothing. I drew back a tad and then slowly and easily the T* slid into my muscle. Not a bit of pain, nothing. I withdrew the needle, put the cotton ball over it, and then put on a Band-Aid. The nurse was laughing at me I was such a fool, babbling on and being so amazed and excited. It was so very easy. IT WAS SOOO COOL..... Anyhow, the doc had the script for the T, but not for the needles and syringes. I sat a bit more and there they were, scripts for the T*, the syringes with 21 g. needles and also 18 g. needles to draw it up so it wouldn't take so long. All mine. 5 months of the stuff. No worries about getting to the doc, was there T* available. I am set I am awesome...hehehehe, I feel like such a kid. I am so relieved. It was so easy. I got home unpacked the stuff, put it away, and got to call my correspondence lady, and she was right there laughing with me. Thanks my Lady, thanks for sharing it with me. Thanks to all the guys who have shared the info on T* and self-injecting. It really made my decision easier...

June 24^th
Well I am in LA. Yes, La California. Visiting the lady I have been talking to. I took my third shot today, all by myself. Just me and her dogs...LOL. It felt so great to be able to be on the other side of the country and still be able to take my shot. The feeling of controlling my own life is powerful. I am so thankful I made the decision so quickly to self-inject. I couldn't wait to get stuck. It is the focus of my life right now. I had a few moments of trepidation sitting there all by myself thinking about it, but then I just stopped thinking, got out the alcohol swabs, cleaned the top of the vial, but the larger needle on the syringe, drew 1 ml of T* up, switched needles, swabbed my leg, relaxed that muscle and poof, in it went. Again, no prick, sting or anything. I did feel it a bit as I went in much slower than last time, but absolutely no pain. Just a sensation. I pray that any guys who read this on T* will try to learn to self-inject if you haven't already. It hurts less than when someone else does it I think. I inject the T* so slowly that I never feel it like when a nurse injects it a bit faster. And I never feel the needle. It is just great to do this on my own. I just can't stress the feeling of independence and control I have... oh well I'll shut up now. LOL.

The biggest thing right now happening with the T* is my huge change in sex drive. It doesn't help that I am in the company right now of a very attractive and desirable woman. At times I wonder how much is her and how much is the 'mones, but this is really different from anything I've ever felt. It is something that floats thru my mind all the time. I am pretty hefty right now, but I have found that in the last few days, my hips have lost some roundness and my stomach has gotten a whole new attitude. My pants fit better, but there is more hanging over it...LOL. I really gotta work out. Of course I await the hairier changes to come with more interest.

July 8^th
Was supposed to go to the doc last week to get checked for T* levels and reg bloodwork, but I was in LA, so I have another appointment. I am back home, and today was my 4th shot, and again it was perfect. I woke up, took a shower and got everything ready and pow, in, inject, out, Band-Aid and off and running. Fabulous day. My old sweetheart here made my day by stopping me in the middle of our conversation to tell me I had a moustache. Actually what I have is three coarse dark hairs on one side and four on the other. I have had them for a week or so, but the big diff is the rest of the hairs on my lip are visible although soft and they make a bit of a shadow. Not only that, but my mom noticed, too. Hot dang I am so excited. I shave every day now, and I can feel the rough hairs on the ends of my 'stash all day. I keep rubbing up on them... I am so excited. It's just a little start, but a huge thing to me. Libido is still strong, but I don't feel like humping everything in sight all the time anymore, I just have a lot of sensation in my genitals, which takes some getting used to. My dreams have been much more full of sex than ever before. I can count on it every night, some are powerful enough to wake me up. Feels good, but pretty frustrating being as I am not active with anyone right now. Suffering alone with this part is rough...LOL.

July 22^nd
Well another self-inject, it's old hat now. Actually I find that my shots don't rule my life anymore. Before the first shot it was all I could think about for two weeks, day and night. Then It was a coupla days before the shot, then last time the day before, and now I went to bed, was half asleep and then boom, I realized I had forgotten to take it. Jumped up and went thru the drill, and went back to bed. Of course the grin in my face was much bigger. It still makes me feel so calm and happy. I know my blood pumps true. It is changing me and making me what I should have been years ago. Maybe not everything, but enough to make all the difference in the world. Changes... Voice dropped last week, really deep. Already had passable male voice, but now I can hit notes singing I never thought possible. Actually that's how I found out it dropped. A commercial came on, and I almost jumped as I started to sing, it wasn't my voice, ... but it was. It felt so different. It sounded so different in my head. after 35-40 years of the same timbre resonating in my throat, to have a different one resonating felt awfully weird. My dad had no idea who the guy on the answering machine was, and my mom was amazed. Hair wise, 7-8 hairs on each side of lip coarse and black and very visible. Upper lip hair coming in darker, but still soft. Hip gone pretty much, belly looks like beer belly, no waist. Eyebrows seem hairier, and there are some darker hairs coming in immediately above my brows so they seem fuller. Also some more, or maybe they are just darker on the edges, both inside and out.

July 31^st
Coupla changes this week. Eyebrows definitely thicker, voice still holding at the new deep level, it sounds normal to me now most of the time, but every now and then I still can hit low notes singing that just thrill me. I used to sing tenor in the choir sometimes, and if I drop anymore, I may be able to get close to bass, At least I will be a good deep baritone. Hair wise, 10 or more hairs on each side of lip, and they extend out past the lip now on both sides. Belly is hairier under navel. Always had hair and trail to pubes, but now is much coarser and hairier. At a study group, I was away 2 weeks and this girl was gone one week, so she hadn't seen me in a month, and her first words to me were, I didn't know who you were for a sec, you seem fuzzier... LOL, I loved it. There was nothing definite she could put her finger on, just fuzzier. How very cool. Talking to mom today, she reached over and rubbed the corner of my mouth and then my lip and was so surprised at how much more hairs there were and that she could feel them all the way across my whole mouth. Then she reached under my chin and pulled hairs. They are soft and not very visible, but they caught her eye, she said she had never seen them before. I hadn't shaved in three days, but nice to know more hair is slightly visible. Best of all there is dark hair growing on the back of my knuckles. They are definitely visible and longer and coarser than before. yippee..... Things are happening a bit faster now, or is it that the days are going so fast. Shot is still 3 days away. wow this is so cool.

Aug 5^th
This shot produced the biggest changes yet. I was sitting and reading one day about a week after the shot, my book resting on my legs, and for some reason looked at my stomach. There was a billion short black hairs all over my belly from chest down. Fur!!!! Okay, it is not really furry, but when it lengthens I will have a ton of hair all over my belly. The next day, reading again, I noticed my legs. I have had no hair on my thighs forever. Well those days are over. I have the same short dark hairs, billions of them...LOL, all over my thighs and knees. They are even on the back of my legs. The hairs on my lower legs are now coarser, longer and starting to curl. I can wear shorts and not lament my barely hairy legs. Hair, hair, everywhere. The last tow shots have produced some mild acne too. I get zits along my jaw line and in my hair line on the back of my neck. They pop up and disappear in a few days, but I always have on or two spots going. Libido has stabilized, I am always horny, but it isn't like these major waves I was having for awhile. Maybe I have just learned to live with it. Mustache is still the same. Dark whiskers on the side, but a bit more hair in between. The hair is soft and doesn't show, so it doesn't look any different. Can't wait for the next shot...more hair pleeeze.

Aug 19^th
The body hair situation is coming along. They are getting a little longer, and it is wild to look down and see this mass of hairs always there. I used to dream of being hairy, but then I would always wake up. This is no dream, I still have them. Biggest change is my mustache. The hair over my lip is darkening a little bit. I have a shadow there that you see instantly, not have to look carefully at. My mom just gets blown away every time she looks at my face. My best friend also said it is noticeable now without having to squint...LOL. My voice took another dive. It is now as deep or deeper than my brother's. He resembles my moms side of the family and has very sparse hair and doesn't have a lot of facial or chest hair. He is put out, because I am getting hairier then him...LOL. My arm hair is darkening and I now have very light hair on my wrist and the back of my hand. You can't really see it well, but it is there and it never was before. The hair on my head is also much coarser feeling now. I am a bass. It is so exciting. I sing at work all the time and it is great to not be able to hit the higher notes I used to be able to. I love the feel of the depth of my voice now. It feels so good. I love being to sing as a baritone and not a tenor, actually this drop has me definitely in the bass range. I am just so anxious for more facial hair. I guess it will come. for now I just sit and contemplate the hairs on my navel... and my belly and my legs and my arms...LOL

Dec 9^th
15^th shot, 14^th self-inject. Well my voice dropped again. The last time put me in the bass range, but I am way farther down now. My mom went thru the not recognizing my voice again as did my lady. I am now deeper than my dad and my brother and all the guys at work. To say I am happy about it is way crazy. I am so deeply joyous and content. Some things will never be what should have been, but other things will be and they are the reasons I wake up and love being alive. My lady told me the other day how incredibly male I look now. Before, I passed, but now, there is never a shred of doubt in how I feel and how people look at me. Even tho I was always called sir before T*, there is a difference. Maybe a part is how I feel. I am getting close to having lived two years 24/7 and am totally comfortable with being a guy and not quite as self-conscious about it. The fact remains tho that there is more maleness to me than before, it is not a matter of passing, I just am, inside and out. I realize I have one more shot left this year, and can't wait for it to be over and to see the difference between where I was six months ago and the last day of the year, and then dream about where I will be this time next year.

Dec 23^rd
16^th shot. 2 days before Christmas. What a Christmas present these last 9 months have been. Hmmm... 9 months, yep a new guy was born in those nine months. Talk about being born again...