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    Great month.  I GOT ON T* AGAIN!!!  4 months off really screwed up my whole body and feeling of confidence.  But I got some women who are great for my ego, too.  Nothing big happening, I am just not mentally up to a relationship, plus I have zero dollars for dating, so just hanging out here or at the coffee shop is all I can handle.  

I feel so much better being on T* again.  The changes that were reversing my progress before, were really messing with my head.  My body changed back pretty quickly and by the end of the month my clothes were fitting much better and those female pads of fat on my hips and thighs were pretty much gone.

Still job hunting, Unemployment is going to run out soon.  Will probably end up doing security or some such just to get by and have days free to continue searching or keep up with my consulting.

T* is in my blood again!!!!!!

    Better balance in my moods and attitude.  My bod is almost back to normal, as is my mind.  It's amazing how much clearer and decisive I feel now than the last few months.  I know I can't be objective about how much is really a chemical thing and how much is mental, but I really have less fear of confrontation, more energy, less caring about things, not in a bad way, but it's like I am more decisive and less liable to worry and second guess myself.  I just do, and not worry.

My whiskers on my side burns and under my chin are back with a vengeance.  Plus I have more hairs ON my chin!!!  Thank God it didn't take long for the T* to take affect again.  I tend to get a little pissed though when I think of where I would have been with those 4 months of T.  I also have started to get soft, light hairs in the bare areas on my jaw line.  Man I feel sooo good.

    Great month.  T* continues to change my bod back, I thought last month was great, but this month there are even more changes.  I've lost weight, slimmed even more in my hip area and my face is not as soft.  I didn't even notice how soft it had gotten, but looking in the mirror now, it is very different than just 2 weeks ago.

I shave daily now and have decent shadow by the next morning.  I wish it would come in as the proverbial 5:00 shadow, but even though my beard is rougher, it doesn't really show as much.  I have found that my sink is full of little hairs everywhere.  I shave with an electric razor most days, and I guess they float around.  They are all over the floor, behind the faucet, on the back of the toilet where I leave the shaver, they seem to get everywhere.  Major pain, but one I am happy to deal with mostly.  The whiskers under my chin and down my sideburns into the cheeks are really stiff and coarser than I remember from before.  They are climbing up over my chin towards my bottom lip and are coming in dark and coarse.  When I first started getting facial hair it always came in soft and then began to stiffen gradually, but the new hairs on my chin and in the bare spots are coming in like they were always there.  

The hairs although dark and coarse are not as full as I would like.  Its seems there should be more per square inch than there are.  If I let them grow for three of four days, they make a decent start to a beard, but still I think they should be denser.  But hey, I can grow decent facial hair, and am so thankful everyday when I look in the mirror.  I like the face I see and the changes that are there.  It is the face I always saw in my head and dreams and it pleases me no end to put up with the shaving, hairs everywhere and the sting of aftershave.  Awesomeness!!!

    Got job in security.  Nice cushy job, but it pays crap.  I made more every week on Unemployment.  Sucks big.  Having problems getting a Dr's appointment to get my next batch of T*.  My insurance covered almost nothing when I had it, and left a hefty balance at the Doc's.  I haven't been able to pay much off, and to get another appointment, I need to get new insurance, or pay off more.  Both unlikely at this point.
     Went ahead and got an appointment for October.  Her first opening, but at least I have time to maybe get the bill down so I can see her and get a prescription.  I will have to limit her tests, as they are so expensive.  It is a major pain to have to pay so much to track a substance that is not really foreign to my body.  I have been on it for 4 years, and have had no side effects ever, so why not just let me enjoy having it in my body without having to pay hundreds of dollars each year.  Bio-guys don't have to track their levels every 6 months, why should I.
     Man, I like the security job, but adjusting to this rate of pay is rough.  I was making over twice what I make now just a year ago, and I am making hundreds a month less than being on unemployment.  I should have stayed on it, I got an extension, and there will probably be more. Oh well water under the bridge.
     Hairs getting darker on cheeks and fuller.  Still don't have anything from the corners of my lips down and out towards the back of my jaw.  Sideburns and down my jawline is great, under my chin and down my neck great.  Mustache pretty good.  The hairs creeping up my chin from under are still sparse.  I love the feel of the hairs on my face.  I love to run my hands up and down.  My 'stache  is getting long on the ends, and curls down and up into my mouth sometimes.  I love it, just wish it was fuller.  Hair on my belly and up to mid chest area is back with a vengeance.  Lots of them, but they don't get too long, I guess because I wear a compression shirt and it probably rubs at them.
     Trying to stretch out the T* to every 3 weeks instead of every 2.  At least that way it stays in my blood a bit more (actually it's mostly gone in 10 days, but I feel it will be better to stretch it out than spend a month or two without any when I get to the Dr's.) I think it will be okay, I know I probably won't have much new growth this way, but I don't seem to be sliding at all either.  This way I will have T* in my system thru October, and it just makes me feel better all the way around.
     No progress on money or insurance, so I don't know what is going to happen next month.  Job is great, except for pay.  I work with about 90 guys, and spend a bunch of time just standing around chewing the fat with them.  Once in awhile I remember what life was like before and how confusing it was, and I am so thankful for now.  It is so much easier to talk to people and relax than it used to be.  I never realized how much of a lie my life was.  I was never relaxed around others, and always felt like I was putting up a front.  It was a lot of work.  
Nowadays, I am relaxed and don't spend any energy on worrying on how to act or what to be, I just am, and it is the most freeing thing ever.  I never imagined how wonderful life could be just being able to be myself, something most everyone else in this world takes for granted.
     Well, went to the Dr.'s and was sent away.  No insurance, not enough on old bill paid off, sooooo.....  back to the drawing board.  One more shot and it is over.  Gotta find another way to get this taken care of.  Just gotta.  I feel depression and malaise creeping up on me as I speak... must fight, must have T*....  Car broke, must ride bus and beg rides from last bus stop to work.  Great people helping me, but I hate I need it.
     Well another month started without correct blood.  I feel self-concious sometimes now, and every time I look in the mirror, I am looking for changes back to otherness.  Nothing yet, no growth though, nothing to look forward to, and that in itself suck sooo big.
     Christmas is hard for me this year, the one thing I want, no one can give.  Actually that is not true, my mom would give it to me if she could, but the person in my life able to help me doesn't.  He somehow thinks it is bad to help, if I can't do it myself, then too bad.  But mostly my friends and family just don't really understand how much it means and how much it is necessary for my mental and emotional health.  That sounds a bit dramatic, it isn't really, it's just that life is harder, each day is a bit dimmer without knowing T* is in my blood and making the changes I should have experienced 30 years ago.  Like a dieter who hits a plateau, or begins to gain weight back, or a smoker who quits and then restarts, there is an element of disappointment, and a feeling of not being able to accomplish my goals.  It isn't the end of my life, just something that dims the joy of what I normally feel.
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