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Goto --- Jan - Feb - Mar - Apr - May - Jun - Jul - Aug - Sep - Oct - Nov - Dec
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January |
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Great
month. I GOT ON T* AGAIN!!! 4 months
off really screwed up my whole body and feeling
of confidence. But I got some women who are
great for my ego, too. Nothing big
happening, I am just not mentally up to a
relationship, plus I have zero dollars for
dating, so just hanging out here or at the coffee
shop is all I can handle. I feel so much better being on T*
again. The changes that were reversing my
progress before, were really messing with my
head. My body changed back pretty quickly
and by the end of the month my clothes were
fitting much better and those female pads of fat
on my hips and thighs were pretty much gone.
Still job
hunting, Unemployment is going to run out
soon. Will probably end up doing security
or some such just to get by and have days free to
continue searching or keep up with my consulting.
T* is in my
blood again!!!!!!
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February |
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Better
balance in my moods and attitude. My bod is
almost back to normal, as is my mind. It's
amazing how much clearer and decisive I feel now
than the last few months. I know I can't be
objective about how much is really a chemical
thing and how much is mental, but I really have
less fear of confrontation, more energy, less
caring about things, not in a bad way, but it's
like I am more decisive and less liable to worry
and second guess myself. I just do, and not
worry. My whiskers on my side
burns and under my chin are back with a
vengeance. Plus I have more hairs ON my
chin!!! Thank God it didn't take long for
the T* to take affect again. I tend to get
a little pissed though when I think of where I
would have been with those 4 months of T. I
also have started to get soft, light hairs in the
bare areas on my jaw line. Man I feel sooo
good.
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March |
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Great
month. T* continues to change my bod back,
I thought last month was great, but this month
there are even more changes. I've lost
weight, slimmed even more in my hip area and my
face is not as soft. I didn't even notice
how soft it had gotten, but looking in the mirror
now, it is very different than just 2 weeks ago. I shave daily now and have decent
shadow by the next morning. I wish it would
come in as the proverbial 5:00 shadow, but even
though my beard is rougher, it doesn't really
show as much. I have found that my sink is
full of little hairs everywhere. I shave
with an electric razor most days, and I guess
they float around. They are all over the
floor, behind the faucet, on the back of the
toilet where I leave the shaver, they seem to get
everywhere. Major pain, but one I am happy
to deal with mostly. The whiskers under my
chin and down my sideburns into the cheeks are
really stiff and coarser than I remember from
before. They are climbing up over my chin
towards my bottom lip and are coming in dark and
coarse. When I first started getting facial
hair it always came in soft and then began to
stiffen gradually, but the new hairs on my chin
and in the bare spots are coming in like they
were always there.
The hairs
although dark and coarse are not as full as I
would like. Its seems there should be more
per square inch than there are. If I let
them grow for three of four days, they make a
decent start to a beard, but still I think they
should be denser. But hey, I can grow
decent facial hair, and am so thankful everyday
when I look in the mirror. I like the face
I see and the changes that are there. It is
the face I always saw in my head and dreams and
it pleases me no end to put up with the shaving,
hairs everywhere and the sting of
aftershave. Awesomeness!!!
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April |
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Got job in security. Nice
cushy job, but it pays crap. I made more every week on
Unemployment. Sucks big. Having
problems getting a Dr's appointment to get my next batch of
T*. My insurance covered almost nothing when I had it,
and left a hefty balance at the Doc's. I haven't been
able to pay much off, and to get another appointment, I need
to get new insurance, or pay off more. Both unlikely at
this point. |
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May |
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Went ahead and got an
appointment for October. Her first opening, but at least
I have time to maybe get the bill down so I can see her and
get a prescription. I will have to limit her tests, as
they are so expensive. It is a major pain to have to pay
so much to track a substance that is not really foreign to my
body. I have been on it for 4 years, and have had no
side effects ever, so why not just let me enjoy having it in
my body without having to pay hundreds of dollars each
year. Bio-guys don't have to track their levels every 6
months, why should I. |
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June |
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Man, I like the security
job, but adjusting to this rate of pay is rough. I was
making over twice what I make now just a year ago, and I am
making hundreds a month less than being on unemployment.
I should have stayed on it, I got an extension, and there will
probably be more. Oh well water under
the bridge. |
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July |
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Hairs getting darker on
cheeks and fuller. Still don't have anything from the
corners of my lips down and out towards the back of my
jaw. Sideburns and down my jawline is great, under my
chin and down my neck great. Mustache pretty good.
The hairs creeping up my chin from under are still
sparse. I love the feel of the hairs on my face. I
love to run my hands up and down. My 'stache is
getting long on the ends, and curls down and up into my mouth
sometimes. I love it, just wish it was fuller.
Hair on my belly and up to mid chest area is back with a vengeance.
Lots of them, but they don't get too long, I guess because I
wear a compression shirt and it probably rubs at them. |
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August |
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Trying to stretch out the
T* to every 3 weeks instead of every 2. At least that
way it stays in my blood a bit more (actually it's mostly gone
in 10 days, but I feel it will be better to stretch it out
than spend a month or two without any when I get to the Dr's.)
I think it will be okay, I know I probably won't have much new
growth this way, but I don't seem to be sliding at all
either. This way I will have T* in my system thru
October, and it just makes me feel better all the way around. |
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September |
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No progress on money or
insurance, so I don't know what is going to happen next
month. Job is great, except for pay. I work with
about 90 guys, and spend a bunch of time just standing around
chewing the fat with them. Once in awhile I remember
what life was like before and how confusing it was, and I am
so thankful for now. It is so much easier to talk to
people and relax than it used to be. I never realized
how much of a lie my life was. I was never relaxed
around others, and always felt like I was putting up a
front. It was a lot of work.
Nowadays, I am relaxed and don't spend any energy on worrying
on how to act or what to be, I just am, and it is the most
freeing thing ever. I never imagined how wonderful life
could be just being able to be myself, something most everyone
else in this world takes for granted. |
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October |
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Well, went to the Dr.'s and
was sent away. No insurance, not enough on old bill paid
off, sooooo..... back to the drawing board. One
more shot and it is over. Gotta find another way to get
this taken care of. Just gotta. I feel depression
and malaise creeping up on me as I speak... must fight, must
have T*.... Car broke, must ride bus and beg rides from
last bus stop to work. Great people helping me, but I
hate I need it. |
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November |
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Well another month started
without correct blood. I feel self-concious sometimes
now, and every time I look in the mirror, I am looking for
changes back to otherness. Nothing yet, no growth
though, nothing to look forward to, and that in itself suck
sooo big. |
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December |
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Christmas is hard for me
this year, the one thing I want, no one can give.
Actually that is not true, my mom would give it to me if she
could, but the person in my life able to help me
doesn't. He somehow thinks it is bad to help, if I can't
do it myself, then too bad. But mostly my friends and
family just don't really understand how much it means and how
much it is necessary for my mental and emotional health.
That sounds a bit dramatic, it isn't really, it's just that
life is harder, each day is a bit dimmer without knowing T* is
in my blood and making the changes I should have experienced
30 years ago. Like a dieter who hits a plateau, or
begins to gain weight back, or a smoker who quits and then
restarts, there is an element of disappointment, and a feeling
of not being able to accomplish my goals. It isn't the
end of my life, just something that dims the joy of what I
normally feel. |
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