What a tough start to this month. I had to wait till the 27th for the next phase of my journey. It is a big step, and one I am so excited about. Trying to prepare the family for what changes will be coming is a heavy responsibility. They are so supportive, and it's one thing getting my hair cut, but another to change physical properties. For me it is so incredibly exciting. I have to try and not let it run away with me. I have no qualms about the changes that are to come. In fact, I cannot wait for them. And the next step, top surgery. To go outside without a shirt, show off my chest hair, to swim without a binder or top, to not have to get up every morning and bind and to not have grooves in my body at the end of the day where it is so tight. That step will be awhile though. and of course the final step...bottom surgery. the construction of a penis. I can't even see that now. It is hideously expensive, and is not often a workable alternative. By the time I could even begin to afford it, maybe the procedures will be better. At any rate, that is not the biggest of my needs and wants. Although society pretty much defines a man by what is hanging between his legs, I know that that is not all there is. A man is a man because of his brain. The penis is not a man, it is a sexual organ. The man is in his mind. I am a man. A man with undeveloped genitals, but a man nonetheless.
Most of the month passed quietly. I lost my job, problems with my feet in a job where I had to walk without sitting for 8 hours. I lost incredible insurance, the whole reason I was there. Oh well life goes on. I am looking to get a job in an office now, shirt and tie...YEAH. Also it will involve computers the love of my life. I doubt the insurance will be so good, but other things will compensate. I am extremely happy in other areas of my life, spiritual if you will. My mind is bursting with new knowledge, and my heart is lighter and more joyous than ever. I am thankful for the lightness and joy in my attitude, and daily life. Now if I could just find a woman I wanted to share it with. I've been out an a few dates, but none have captured my attention very long. I guess it has been good to have the time to concentrate on me though. I have needed it.
I started a page chronicling the start and subsequent weeks and months of HRT (hormone replacement therapy), Things became crazy for me on Monday the 24th, three days before T* Day...LOL. I won't go into all that check the link to those days and the actual first shot at the bottom of the page. What is will say is how much these shots mean to me way beyond the physical changes.
My other half (but not g/f, she's my soul) was out of town the day of my shot. She called that night, and the first thing she said was "well, are you a man now?". It was funny because I had never thought of it as making me feel more like a man till after she left. Mostly to her I talked about the physical changes. But right before and after the shot, those were my thoughts...I'll be more of a man. I have lived as a guy for 16+ months and at first, although I felt totally comfortable, I felt like I had something to prove. After about 8 months I felt just like a regular guy, the only time I broke out of that was when around those who knew me before. Then I often was back to having to prove something. Finally I got over that too, and actually felt in my heart what I knew in my head and soul... I was a guy, no explanation needed. And now here is this statement " I feel more of a man". I got a little angry at the thought it made me more... if I already was, how would I need or think of being more. But it is true. I may be a man in my head and heart and soul and the gender mapping of my brain, but I was dealt a raw deal in the hormone dept. They are the whole reason I was born a man without male genitalia. Something that simple. And now they course thru my bloodstream. A little late, but now it makes me more a man, but outside only. The inside is already a man, I am fighting to make the outside so. This makes me feel better and less angry. I can still feel totally a man, I am just fixing the outside, and that helps me feel even more. Somehow she knew it even many miles and hours away. I feel better now, I feel calmer. It's not from the testosterone, its from what the knowledge that it is in my blood. The same type of blood now as my father, my brother, my uncles, my buddies, I am much more the same now. It's kind of neat that I have that to be elated about as I wait for the changes.
Ahhhh, the physical changes. I remember being a little boy (I was a little boy, I had not yet accepted that I was a girl) and watching my dad shave, or walk around in in his boxers and t-shirt. I couldn't wait to be like him. I played house with my sister and friends only when I could be the husband. It was all I knew. I knew there were some differences between me and the other guys, but I thought I would change as I grew up. I did. I became a female. Not a woman. I was never a woman. I had no idea how to be a woman. I was a female because of my body, so everyone assumed I would be a woman someday. It never happened. I got used to being female, but I never found a way to be that woman they all talked about.
Unlike other guys, I never got a beard, I never got hairy arms and legs. I worked on the muscles and got pretty bulky, but I had these damn hills on my chest. In elementary school, the guys quit treating me the same old way. In junior high I lost most of my reason to be. I was never going to be what I wanted, so who cared. Two years ago I got that reason to live back. Now with testosterone I will get some of the things I wanted so much as a little boy. I won't get the genitalia, I am short and won't grow, but I'll get some of it, and the peace of mind that my blood now flows more male. I can't tell you how happy that makes me. I wish everyone had the chance to have their lives made as whole as I can. Yeah I have to fight the bigots, and those who don't understand, and those who have their own beliefs. But they don't bother me. Not understanding something doesn't make it wrong, not believing something doesn't mean it isn't true. I have wonderful friends and family and I meet people all the time that are willing to learn about it, and try to understand and try to learn. Mostly I am alive and am able to be a whole person. More whole every day. Testosterone is just one more step.
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