March/April 1999
Spring has sprung.

March was a gentle month. Not much happened, just living and working and enjoying life. I began a search for doctors to be primary physician and for an endo to start hormone replacement therapy (HRT). Hit a dead end as far as endos. Insurance starts in April, so I want to be ready to get going. I am working out now and then at the hotel health club. I have even been swimming there. I just wear my binder, and when the guy asked, I said it was for a problem I had with my ribs. No prob. It is wonderful to be able to use this health club, as I know I couldn't go to the Y or a regular club, as I couldn't get away with using the men's dressing rooms. It would be a major hassle. Here there are never more than one or two guys in the locker room at once, and with care, I can take showers, dress, and be in there like a regular guy. In fact, guys I've been in there with have paraded around nude, and that's a compliment. I could care less and it makes me feel more comfortable to not be feeling different. Unfortunately my weight is increasing, and I am not exercising nearly as often as I should. I have to work on that. Don't wanna be a fat guy.

Work is proceeding apace. There are some people leaving, and I should be moving up into a more supervisory role. I will probably not be a room service server much longer....YEAH. I also have been working on my own company stuff. I have been cranking out resumes, making business cards, even troubleshooting computers at work because their guys couldn't get to it fast enough. I am doing all the business needs and web page of a guy who is an artist manager. I am working on all the flyers, and biz needs for one of his artists right now, and meeting with his lawyers, ad guys, all that stuff. It is so very cool to walk into a biz meeting and be a smart guy with lots of ideas and answers. Something my female counterpart could never do. No confidence, fear of people, fear of just about everything. Totally irresponsible, unable to function in most situations well at all. Since the day I found out I was a man, and began to stop living as what I really wasn't, I have been able to access parts of me that were deeply hidden. What a relief to be whole.

April has started out well. Waiting for insurance to kick in was hard. I finally got a phone again the first of the month. It was so wonderful to access the guys and support again. I had been going to the library once or twice a week to get mail, and I could surf, but couldn't work on my web pages, or join chats etc. I thought I was in heaven being online again. Anyhow, I was accessing some old mail from Sept I didn't know I had, and found out that there had been a transgender conference here in Charlotte. I was so angry. If I had read one more days mail, I would have been able to go. There was a list of the speakers, and lo and behold, there IS a doctor here who does HRT. after months of calling and getting rejected, here was a possibility. I couldn't wait to call. I checked and she was listed in my insurance as usable. I called and was told she wasn't accepting new patients. Major letdown. I asked for her or her nurse to call me as I wanted to see if she could refer me. The nurse called back later, and I told her what I was transgendered and wanted to get on male hormones, she started asking all kinds of questions. Was I the actual patient, did I know much of the process. I assured her that I had lived a full year as a male, had been seeing a therapist for two years, and was fully ready to move ahead. When she first called, she was very blasť, after mention of TG, she became more interested, and was very interested by the end of the conversation. She said she would talk to the Doc and get back to me. I just had the feeling that it wouldn't be just about a referral. She was to interested, and I know it was hope, but I felt she might be willing to take me on, not just any patient. I was right. 10 days later I still hadn't heard, and so I called them back. Couldn't get the nurse or doctor, so left message. The nurse called me back later and left a message. Dr. C would take me as a patient!!!! She had to call the desk and tell them to schedule me, cause they wouldn't make a new appointment for me. I am going to see her on MAY 24th at 2:00 PM!!!! I am going to start hormones after two years. I will have real blood coursing thru my veins, I will have the right stuff inside me. I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am. To have my face more manly, my body shape conform to my mind, to have hair on my arms, chest, wherever it wants to grow. And finally of course to have hair on my face. I have a deep and very male voice now, but I can't wait till it drops even lower. That female time of the month will cease. It is so confusing to be and feel like a man in every pore of your being, and then have all your control taken away, to have your body betray you and remind you of how wrong you were born. All for lack of hormones at the right time when I was a fetus. I get so confused, so angry. Well, in five weeks, I won't have to worry about that anymore.

Thanks to all my friends and family for hanging in with me, thanks to this new doc for taking me in, thanks to all the guys who have corresponded, shared their lives and experiences, and dreams, who have been there with a cyber pat on the back at my triumphs, have answered questions, etc. Thanks to God for helping me stay alive when I didn't' think I could live in my body anymore. Thanks for everything that has led me here. Spring...rebirth...me...hallelujah!

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