my first holidays as Devin are near
As October started, so did a bout with depression. I quit working again, uncaring of much of anything. I was still angry. For now that translated into inaction, and retreat. I watched the A&E special on transgenders, and found it hard to look at the guys whose names I know well and with whom I have communicated. They were so much farther along. I have so far to go. I am so tired of having to endure, to fight, being different. Same old stuff. Yet the A&E special gave me hope. Some of the people out there were looking at us as people, not freaks. Okay maybe they don't get the whole thing, but who does. At least to me it was a positive start.
I think the thought of the holidays are kinda dragging on me. Being with my family while great, is also very stressful for me as I tend to either fall back in old patterns, or try to be Devin to them. It is not yet natural like it is out in the world. This will be my first Thanksgiving as a male. And soon after my first Christmas. That at least is something to look forward to. Getting clothes and presents as a male, not the stuff everyone gave to a girl. Maybe some ties, shirts, sweaters, boxers, undershirts ... it's weird to want clothes, I spent most of my life not caring, not spending my money on clothes. Couldn't stand shopping for them, didn't want to wear most of them. All I needed was t-shirts and jeans, and whatever uniform I was wearing for work. I remember many times when I chose jobs specifically because they had uniforms. That was unisex, it didn't make my head hurt and stomach hurt as I did in female clothing. Uniforms were an easy way not to deal with the clothes issue.
I realized that even though I love business and always wanted to be a business leader, I couldn't get near the business environment. I would have had to wear dresses, makeup, women's shoes, pocketbooks, all the stuff that sometimes made me physically sick at my stomach to contemplate wearing. I quit going to church , because I couldn't dress up anymore, couldn't be the female everyone expected me to be. I didn't really put these things together at the time. I was always making up excuses that were not real. Pushing down what was real. How could I tell anyone how awkward, inappropriate, ridiculous I felt and how horrified I was to wear dresses, or be seen as a female. Who would understand. I accepted the "gay" moniker, it gave me the room to be different. I didn't have to wear makeup, didn't have to wear dresses, could act masculine, and could love girls. Only prob was I never fit in the lesbian world. At least though I had some freedom to be me, and I made some good friends and was able to live with myself for the bulk of my life.
Now I have the freedom to be who and what I want. I can be a businessman, a carpenter, whatever strikes my fancy. Maybe I will learn several careers. I lost some years, I wish I had the strength some have had in not bowing to the pressure of peers and family. I wish I had known sooner that I had a choice. 43 years of confusion, wrong choices, and floating through life is a lot to make up for. I am thankful though, that I do have that chance, and that now for almost a year I have been my dream. I have been the man I always saw. Always felt and always wanted to be. As hard as the start was, the doing has proven to be very easy. I am an awesome person. I am a great guy. I am everything I thought I could be. And there's more to come!!!!!
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