February & March- Realizations

Well, Feb is gone, March is over and it seems that rebirth is overflowing everywhere. No where more than in my heart and life. I was rereading the Jan. journal in preparation to write this, and was struck by one sentence I had written. I said that "I am just the person now I always saw in my mind and in my dreams". Somehow, at this point that doesn't seem to be quite right. Actually it's the dreams part. I have focused so much on living as I dreamed, but now I am seeing, that it was not just a dream to be a man, I am a man. I was born a man and have always been a man. Through a biological fluke, my biological body did not conform. But people judge you by your genitals, even if they are wrong. It was a birth defect of sorts. It was not supposed to be this way. Something happened, or didn't happen with the end result that I was a man, but lacking the equipment with which a man is judged to be a man.

I SAW myself in my mind & in my dreams as a man. The word "saw" is backwards, it needs to be WAS. I was a man, and therefore I saw that in my dreams. Everything I have ever thought has been as a man. Every breath I ever took was as a man. But because of the biological mix-up, I was perceived as a female and perceived myself as that also. Of course my dreams, and what I wanted was to be a man, I was, and couldn't achieve it for 43 years. Somehow deep in my soul, I feel wrong now saying I am the man of my dreams. It was no dream. It was and is a reality. I saw, and now live the truth, not a dream. All this has come about from realizing that those who perceived me as female, now seem to think that I am playing at being a man. That this is something I wanted, and so am making happen. I am not playing at this, it is not something I wanted, it is something I was. I am now working to correct a misconception. I am now working to be who I am and always WAS. I am not trying to be something I want or was not.

I am reborn at this point. I am a man. I was born a man, and will always be a man, but I am incredibly lucky to have a rebirth and an affirmation of that maleness and gender I once thought was just a desire.

The hard part now is to impart this knowledge to others, who have no way of conceiving what is feels like to be me. They will see what they want to see, and want to believe. I will be possibly forever shackled to their perceptions. I hope not. They see me as a woman pretending to be a man. They don't realize I was always a man pretending to be a woman. You can't pretend anything for that long without damage. I was damaged. I was pretending before. I am not pretending now, I am for the first time in my life, NOT pretending. I am living, not running, hating, trying, fearing, or handicapped. I am living, stable, loving, able, strong and whole. That is what matters to me. Those who cannot understand the incredible shift to the positive, cannot possibly truly love me. Those who accept it and are nurturing it are the loving giving ones I will surround myself with. I realize it's hard to deal with, but those who come out of themselves and their fear to embrace and support me, are the truly courageous. Those who persist in believing that this a phase, or a thing I dreamed up, or pretend to be, are captives of their own fears.

I have thrown away my fears, I have grown, I have embraced my wholeness......

Hooray for DEVIN!!!!

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