April and May 98

Well, here it is another two months gone, and I barely feel the time slip by. Life is such a pain, such a joy, such a challenge, such a load of fun. I live just like most other people on the planet now. Something I always tried for, wanted, dreamed of, but couldn't quite achieve. Now without effort, I am a member of the human race. And I love it.

Okay, what's been happening..... hmmmm.....let's see.....

Well work first. I have learned a lot, and enjoyed most everyone there, but some of the management have begun to more than annoy me. The General Manager, hates my department, and see absolutely no reason for it's being. He is stuck with us because corporate says so. He would rather have stockers, so at every chance that what he tries to get me to do. I am not allowed to take time with customers, learn about the new equipment, or do anything to improve my sales. To him it's a waste of time. So a constant struggle ensues.

The other two assistants are pretty cool, they have some idea about what is necessary to run my section and sell, so thank God for them. But the lower managers, customer service managers, are unbelievably small. It's a shame when your CSM, in charge of customers, gets nailed as the most unfriendly person in the store by the customers, but that is exactly what customers have written. They are not over me in any way, but I have to rely on them for certain info, and items now and then. Again wonderful customer service when they make a customer wait over ten minutes to view an item, just because they don't like me. I lose so many sales that way. They refuse to do their job when it comes to what I need. Well not just me, the other two in my dept. have the same thing happening. They are of course little butt-lickers and act just like the GM. It is so sad to see such small people. It would just kill them if they know what the other employees said and thought about them. They are such laughing stocks. Oh well, I go on, and keep trying to keep my head above water, but I have begun looking for new avenues of making money. My own business has done very well, but I haven't put a tremendous amount of effort into it, I could do more.

I went to a training seminar for work, and went as myself. It was so incredible to walk into a place as a man. For the first time in my life, I was not shy. I was not afraid. No one can understand that, cause no one can know how fearful I was, acting as a female. I was often paralyzed. Those who knew me couldn't believe I was shy, I wasn't, but I always acted like it. I am so different now. I feel like myself and it shows, I am confident. I was one of two guys that everyone hung out with. I had such a blast. I was so comfortable. I was never comfortable in a crowd before, ever. This was so easy, so normal, so right. I was one of the guys for two days, no worries, no fear, just me. It reinforced the rightness of what road I am on. I felt so normal, an alien feeling before, now the norm for me.

Other notable events lately include going to Hooters. The girls there are just so good at their jobs. I had a blast, I ate it up, I loved it. I loved looking and joking with them. I could look and appreciate, and they made that good tip from me just like they knew they would. What an experience.

I got my first shirt and tie last month. There was only one place I wanted to get it. For 20 years I have been going in through Belk's to get to the rest of the mall. We enter through the men's shop, and specifically the ties. I have spent everyday that I ever went in there wishing for a time when I could buy a tie for myself. I never believed it would come true, but it has. I got a gray shirt and a red tie with black and gold things on it. My sweetheart thought it looked great. I wandered around the men's section, checking out the clothes, oh my god, I want clothes for the first time in my life. I want to buy clothes. The salesman was cool, he showed me a coupla things, and the new swimsuit issue of SI (wink wink - he went).

My best friend (a guy) came in to town, and we went to grab something to eat, and I want in my tie of course, he was totally cool about it. I of course really enjoyed it. We have been to Hooters together, and a strip bar, and he is just the best. In fact, he paid me the highest honor anyone could,... when I got up to go pee, he had to too, and I said, remember where I'm going, he said yep and followed me in as if I was no different than another guy in the world. He doesn't know it, but that was the coolest thing ever. We went later to a cigar bar, and just sat. Not much talking, just hangin out. Again, too cool.

I pass 100% of the time, and got confirmation of that the other day when out with my bud and his wife. We were having coffee, and a gay guy sat down at the table. We chatted, and then he asked me out after awhile. My friends were dying laughing. I was sincerely flattered. He did me a great honor, but I had to decline, women are my reason for living!!

My family has adjusted marvelously well. I went to the beach with the entire family and I went as Devin. My brother and one sister called me Devin sometimes, my other sister seems to be having a harder time. My nieces were a little more freaked out then my nephews, the guys are younger and don't seem to care as much, the girls still love me, just seem to be having a hard time with the guy thing, but some of that is from their mom, she supports me, but doesn't get this. She doesn't treat this as a serious thing, so of course the girls won't. My mom calls me correctly all the time now, and has even said "son" without thinking. My brother and I got to drive to the beach together, the first time I had seen him (except for a few minutes) since I started this. I had not wanted to tell him over the phone, and this proved the perfect opportunity. He of course was absolutely cool. He is very happy for me and embraced the idea of a brother. I wish he lived closer, he would help with my sisters seeing that I have never been a sister in more than name. Oh well, all things in time.

My cat had kittens, 4 of them, two girls and two boys. My hair has been cut several times, and each one a little shorter. I got to see Joan Baez and many other bands at a street fair, I quit smoking May 10th, and haven't smoked since. I've been exercising much more, but gained weight after quitting. I actually wasn't eating more, I was eating less and better, but the doc said that's what happens. Got involved with the GLBT switchboard here, and went through training, and became a volunteer. Had my first night, and it was great. Most of all, I am perfectly ordinary now. It is such a great feeling. I need to get out of my job, as a few there persist on calling me "she", but that will happen, I also will move in a few months. The guys I live with all took the news that I was a guy very well, even took me out to dinner. But one of them persists in calling me hon and she, and it grates on me bad.

I need a car, a new job, a new place to live, more money, and a girlfriend, but other than that, I am doing great!!!! ....LOL

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