Here it is December already. Amazing. The good thing is, that I am so broke, I don't have to worry about buying presents, so no stress there. The other good thing is that I had a really good month. All the things I wanted, and have been working on are still with me and still good. YIPPEE!! It's ALIVE!!!
I quit my other job finally. It was okay, but not going to get me anywhere, and it was a waste of what talents I do have. I continued to job search the early part of the month, and just when I was beginning to give up again, the perfect job came along. I really like it. I work as a business machine consultant for a big office supply chain. I get to sell and help people with computers, faxes, printers, copiers, all the toys I love so much. I still have my own business going, and have just gotten another job there, so life is looking up.
The best thing is I am not just existing anymore. I look forward to each day, and every day has something in it. No more hiding. No more sliding from one moment to the next. I am living them.
The job is partly responsible for that. It pays much better, so I can live on just one job instead of having to have two. It's mostly fun, and I am learning a lot. I am not just an employee, I am a business professional. I am in charge of myself and what I do. Boy does that feel good again.
The rest of my life has improved also. I've gotten to see a lot more of my friends from out of town, and I have been doing more than hanging around waiting for things. I am now identified by most everyone as DEVIN, and that feels really good. Even my mom is beginning to call me that on occasion. The old me is dead. Not forgotten, just gone into the past, as it should be. I can identify as the person I am now so much better. I feel so easy going out and around as Devin. Sometimes that is male-identified, sometimes it is just me as I am. Either way I am content.
I have also gotten back online (no phone for a while) and have begun to reach out to my old FTM friends and make some new ones. That has been so important. I have gotten on the M2M e-mail list and it has helped a lot feeling connected to others. Also Alex the Transman has gotten his GARAGE chat back on line, and that is a blast to hang out with the other guys in an FTM chat room. Go check it out if you haven't.
M2M has been great, they have talked about not growing up for fear of being a woman, SO's, and I have learned a lot about T*. It really makes life easier hearing about what others have gone through, and how they have one way or another conquered their obstacles. Kinda give you hope you know :)
Now with a good job, along with the benefits, I can look at finding a doctor, and starting hormones. It has really been a drag to want something so much and not be able to get near it. I have some old bills to pay, and then I can start T* and start saving for top surgery. Oh what a glorious contemplation that is. Bottom surgery is something I am sure I will eventually do, but that is far away and not as important as beginning to appear as the man I am inside. So TOP and T* are the goals for me. LOL, I am in such a good mood.
I also have been working out a bit more, and some of the weight is beginning to come off. Not a whole lot, but enough to give me hope. I still have my men's health mags, and enjoy looking at and dreaming of the body I will have someday. I have loved the pages by other FTM's as they describe the changes they go thru on T*, and for all the crazy things they experience, it warms my heart to hear them talk of the changes that mean so much to them. I know exactly how they feel and can't wait to feel them myself.
My therapist is pleased with the progress I've made, and so am I. My confidence is back, my self-motivation, my self-worth. I still struggle with ups and downs of course, but I seem to be much better able to handle them. The worst time is if course my period. I will be so glad when I stop going thru that stuff. It is hell sometimes. It puts me in with the woman identity so hard and I loathe it so much. But all things in their time. and I have time.
I really want to thank all the FTM's out there who have helped this one person find a place to belong. Some have only been fleeting contact, others more solid, but all have helped whether they knew me or not. This has been the year of finding me. and finding that I like me and can be me, and in so many ways that could not have been done without the people in chats, in my guestbook, in their pages, and in the e-mail friends I have made. I sometimes wonder if I would have been able to do this 20 years ago. Without all the support and people willing to share their knowledge and experience, would I have been able to stand up and make such a hard decision. Some how I think I would, but it would have been so much more of a nightmare. I am thankful for where I am now today, and look forward to the new year. The year I become a man. The man I have always had there inside, the man I have always wanted to be.
Happy New Year ALL, and may all our dreams and desires come true, no matter who we are or what we want.
And for my closing thought:
"Those who say something cannot be done, should not interrupt those who are doing it."
See you next year...
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