August/September '98
fall falls....

Well hiya, back for more are ya?

Well I am still here and still hanging in and taking charge of my life. Well I let it go once in awhile, but mostly I am in charge.

The biggest thing that happened in august was I opened my first checking account as Devin. I felt very cool, chatting with the bank guy, getting it all set up. Somehow it doesn't sound very important, but after a year of struggling between two names, two identities, it was the last important piece of settling down into a real life. My identity and ability to function were no longer at the whim of others, no longer in any doubt, or danger of discovery. I could relax and now be me.

I moved at the end of August, still with the same group of roommates, but we are in a huge house now, and all around it is much better. I have a lot more space now. It was only three blocks, so I am still close to work.

The month of September was mostly quiet as I worked doubles most of the time. Then, I quit work due to being very upset at the lack of customers, and therefore tips, the increase of work so they could get rid of the higher paid hourly people, and the requirement that I tip out up to 6 people in one night. I wasn't even making 20 a day. Anyhow, I went back as I couldn't get anything else right away, but things got much better.

The middle of the month, my mom called all the aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. and let them in on what was happening with me. She wanted to do it as she is more in touch with everybody than I am, plus I think it was a major way of her showing herself and me how okay she is with everything. Pretty cool lady. Everybody was supportive, and calling me Devin as soon as she told them. My uncle the minister had the worst reaction of all, saying that my therapist ought to be sued. LOL like that would change anything. She didn't make me this way, God did. Anyhow, he still loves me and all that, but it sure doesn't sit well with him.

I saw one of my aunts shortly thereafter, and she was thrilled. She has no judgmental bones about it, she is just so happy that I feel so great and am so very happy now. She well knows many of my struggles and feelings of always being outside. It was cool to see her, and show myself off to her. Yup things are good some days.

At the end of the month, I went with a group of guys to Atlanta to see a Braves game. Nobody knew except the one guy who invited me. It was so cool. The guy who invited me is not a friend, but just a housemate. I don't hang with him at home, and I didn't there either. Here I was with a bunch of guys I did not know, and I was so comfortable it was great. Used to be I would be anxious about spending any amount of time with people I didn't know. I would avoid it, or spend my time hiding. I just couldn't be a part of a group. I know now that everything was backwards then. Instead of being with the guys, and admiring the women, I had been with the women, not admiring the men. It made for a very uncomfortable experience. Now, I can talk to the guys, it is easy, I know how to be, I don't have to act or be afraid. I can relax and be myself. It was so cool. The neat thing is that I tend to be a leader. I can be a leader of the guys as well. I had been to Atlanta before, so they relied on me for things. One of the guys had to go to the hospital, everyone kinda didn't know what to do, I just stepped in and found out what we needed from the Dr.s, made decisions on where to eat, I just wasn't held back. I could be a guy. Such a difference, such an amazing transformation, such a tremendous freedom. Anyhow, I found out that I feel like a teenager. even though at 44 I was in the older bracket, I acted more like the teenagers. I guess this is a part of my adolescence. There was an 8-year old with us and after awhile, he took a shine to me. We sparred and tumbled and chased and bugged each other, just like I used to do with the boys I grew up with, before a wall went up and I was no longer one of the guys. It felt so good. I was getting a missing part of my growing up as a boy back.

The only drawback to all this was coming home again. For 36 hours I was a guy. Not a transgender, not an FTM, just a plain guy. Soon as I got home family and friends put me back in that special role I now play. How was it, did anyone know, did you have to stay bound....???????? I found myself very angry at having to be the girl they knew, playing at being a man. They saw everything as a girl hanging out with the guys and fooling them, not a man, hanging out with the guys. They are so wonderful and supportive, and I hate the way I feel, but I wish I could have one conversation with them that didn't have something to do with gender. I feel fine when I am out, but with them, I feel back in an old role, just with a few changes. Dammit I am so angry that I have to work at being a guy to others. I am so mad that I was not born right, that my body has branded me and relegated me to an in between existence. I am so thankful for what I have and where I am compared to a year ago, but dammit why do I have to fight to be a guy. All the other guys just are, no worries, no explaining, just being.

Someday all this will be behind me, it will be mostly forgotten and day by day my life will change and grow. I have to believe this. I will never be just plain, I will always be special because of what I'm going thru, but I will attain an ordinary life, a happy medium, where me is not defined by labels, just by who I am and what I do.

So I'm hanging in...

(but I'm still angry) :)

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