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As I settled in my new place, I began to plan in earnest. There was so much to be done. Continue therapy, get my name legally changed, find a doctor for hormone therapy, get a second job, get the continuing saga of the truck and my stuff taken care of, get my bank account in shape, and on and on...
None of that happened much. I had a second job, but couldn't get up at 5:oo every morning, get home at 11:00, wind down and then get enough sleep. The morning job went. Then attempts to get another were half-hearted. My roommates were sometimes fun, but mostly a drag. They did the same stuff all the time and weren't into talking about the things of life or the world. Work was the only topic we could discuss much. They began to pick at me about everything, but it didn't bother me much, it was just annoying. I spent more time alone. Bad move. Most of my real friends had moved out of town and I only saw them infrequently. My best friend still here had not much time with a business and a husband. So I got in a routine of sleeping late, going to work, staying up late , then sleeping, etc...
It was a peaceful time, but totally unproductive. I just existed. I spent sometime in anger at how slow everything was, and how hard it was to make headway. Actually if I had extended myself I could have made some. But I sat on my butt, not making enough money and spending way too much, wondering why nothing was happening. It all seemed so far away. To much for me. I had lost confidence in myself. Changing myself was as hard as changing the world. It just didn't seem possible. I stopped thinking about anything and just went through the motions of living. I actually did start losing some weight, and went out as male sometimes, but without that confidence it didn't come across well. So I stopped that. I also became aware that I was going to lose my car. I was behind in the payments, and my other car was not running so I did the only logical thing, I blew that off too. What a fool. I look back and wonder how I could stay so lethargic and let everything go to hell again. The worst thing was I was so damn peaceful about it. So here I was absolutely aimless, kind of peaceful, and totally out of reality. And there I stayed for awhile
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