November -   I AM ME!!!

Well, I moved into a hotel for two weeks, and sat down and explored my options.  I worked for a while, then quit, then got another job, then quit, and mom came to the rescue.  I had never had this hard of a time finding a good job.  My self-confidence was so low, and I guess that showed through.  Mom helped me find a room in a house in a nice part of town, and being finally settled (for now) I began to job hunt, again in earnest.

I found a job I could hang with for a little while, and even enjoyed.  It was food service again, but it brought in money and gave me time to look for something I really wanted.  I also really liked where I was living, so that helped, too.  My roommates are weird, but nice.  They are easy to get along with, and fun sometimes.  I felt very secure and at ease. 

I also started my own business and got that going.   I had been working on it for about 5 months, kinda getting together in my head and on paper what I wanted and could do.  I am a major computer geek, and for years have been helping friends and others setup their computers, and teaching them how to use Win 95 and other software.  I decided there was no reason I couldn't make money doing this, so finally I got off the ground.  I was a Computer Consultant.  I was lucky and got my first job for a business I frequented, and that really shot me high up.  I made cards and brochures and put some out, but I didn't go too far as there were other things I wanted to concentrate on for a time. I began to work on my insides

I also found two places I really wanted to work, and finally got interviews.  Neither one came through.  I really was devastated.   I had never not gotten a job I applied for.  I always turned others down.   This was another major self-esteem blow.  I continued to look, but money was way to tight to allow me to search too far out of where I lived.  I worked for awhile at the one place and was content to just hang with that for awhile.  My mom helped me some financially, but that wouldn't last too long, and besides it didn't help my self-esteem being dependent on her.

I had to start doing positive things, and start believing in myself again.   I had to start doing something toward transitioning again.  I had set a goal of being on T* by the new year, and had intended to begin living as a male full time.   Here it was almost December, and there was no way I could afford hormones, and somehow inside I wasn't confident enough to begin being the male I felt inside.  Its funny to see me this way.  One thing I never lacked was confidence.  I always knew good things about me.  I always knew who I was deep inside, even if no one else did.  And then finding out so much more about me, you figure I would be even more confident and ready to take on the world.  But no, here I was an absolute dishrag inside.

I began to slowly turn myself around tho'.  I figured there was no sense in being frustrated at what I hadn't accomplished, and what hadn't happened.  Somehow I reached a state where I didn't have to identify myself anymore.  I was just me.  Not male, not female, not anything but me.  It was a very comfortable place.  I needed to do things for the me right here and now, not for some future me.  Oh sure, I know what I want (& will have) for the future, but without taking care of the me now, I would continue to be too overwhelmed by the past and future.  I couldn't cope with all that, so all those pressures disappeared and day by day, I made decisions for the me who was NOW.  Days began to look brighter, and I began to see some of the fruits of my labors.

I began to eat better, not because I had to , but because  I wanted to.  I started exercising and stretching now and then, at my own pace.  I began to feel more in control of my life. More capable.  I found it was easy to keep my place clean, I wanted it clean and orderly.  I also realized that even things like taking a shower had been an ordeal.  Before I didn't care about myself and I didn't see anyone sometimes, so why bother, but now I like doing the simple   things I should.  All the things that i used to HAVE to do, became things I wanted to do.

I began slowly, but surely to see things in a better way.  I felt like I was finally getting to be normal.  That's a tricky word, but for me it defines a place where I feel good and am making headway for myself.  Not doing the destructive things, or the lazy things .  The things and way of life that I detested, and then berated myself for afterwards.  For the first time in many years, I was coping well, and I was determined to enjoy it and preserve it at all costs.   I like being just me.

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