June 1997, the real world creeps in

What a difference this month was. Finally all the things I'd been neglecting began to catch up with me, so I was constantly struggling to maintain my balance in my life. I was losing. It looked like I was going to have to move in the next month or two. That just devastated me. I'd been so content there in my little world. It was a nice place and I didn't want to give it up.

About this time my mental shape began to change. The dream of what I was about to do, changing my outside to reflect my inside, was also tinged with reality creeping in.

I began to think about changing my name and all it would entail. How would I afford hormones, mostly how would and how soon could I get my hated boobs gone. The continued presence of my breasts advertising to all that I was a "woman" was horribly offensive. I had gained weight in the last few years (caused by the lack of caring anymore, remember I had no future so nothing mattered) so my breasts were huge fat hanging things. As long as no one saw my boobs, I was usually taken for a guy. My voice is deep naturally, and I am very masculine appearing, so unless they see the hideous projections, most people first take me for a guy.

To have this new outlook and hope and be continuously betrayed by my body became a major source of depression. I could barely afford my bills, how would I afford and operation? Answer: I wouldn't. That kinda blew up into I wouldn't ever reach my goal, and I literally gave up all hope for awhile. I was too depressed with the work I had to do, to deal with the work I WANTED to do.

So the weeks flew by with a dark cloud hovering near me. Nothing went forward this month. It seemed all the steps were backwards. I was not a new person anymore, I was the same messed up thing with unreachable and unreasonable goals. Poor, poor pitiful me.

Somewhere though, is a part of me that never gives up. I slogged thru the weeks and though I couldn't get rid of the doom and gloom, I never gave up. I took everyday as it came and concentrated on making it thru. I tried not to dream, but to take care of the business at hand. Finally the month was over.

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